Siempre

During March 12, 09, I believe, I met Marte, my ex boyfriend. It’s sort of silly to tell this story because we met on myspace and long distance relationships aren’t taken seriously by many anyway. I was empty then, going to a shit school with a shit enviornment, and I had nothing going for me. I lived in a run-down home with my grandmother, and I remember that when I first video chatted with him, it took my breath away, literally. I was astonished to say the least because he was SO beautiful. he was so nice - so, so nice. we liked each other so much that we decided to make it official that March 13th would be out anneversary.

I stayed up all night that summer talking to him, mesmorized by how incredibly gorgeous and sweet and the fact that he thought I was beautiful gave me butterflies in my tummy. I just died, okay? you’ll never know what it’s like to have nothing - no friends or hope and end up meeting someone incredible that’s miles away unless you were like me. 16, hopeless, empty, and the only way I could cope with living in this shitty, horrible place was to live online. I still live in this place and the internet is still how i cope, to be honest. Marte gave me the push I needed every day to continue going to school and I honestly had this thought in my mind, “one day, he and I will get married and wow, i dont even know. I just know that he won’t leave me.”

As I’m sure everyone else in the world is, we think that our loved ones will never leave, disappear, or betray us. I stayed with marte for 2.6 years and I learned so many things with him. I visited Mexico City for the first time when I was 17 and over the course of time, I learned that life isn’t fair to everyone. The Americanized vision of the government always being there to regulate the economy, to prevent homeless suffering, and to control monopolization simply isn’t a universal amendment shared by other governments. Mexico had homeless and quite wealthy people in every district - some more than others. It was honestly the first time I had ever seen anything that was heart breaking. If you can see an elderly woman begging for money on the side of the street and when you see the cold shoulder given as each car passes, it breaks. your. heart. I’m a lot of things but I’m not heartless.

Nevertheless, I learned the value of being American, even with our corrupted government, and the importance it poses on those who have the power to do something, the influence to persuade, and the voice to movate. I come to the realization of a lot of faults that I have, many of them are superficial in that I have trouble connecting with 99.9% of people, and i’m too closed off for most people. It’s hard for me to empathetically place myself in some people’s positions because I’m too quick to base an opinion on something as distasteful as doing drugs. I’m still working on many, many problems that I’ve found within myself even today.

I still remember all the things I experienced - the good and the bad. I went on my first boat ride and played my music for the first time for foreigners to listen to. I went to so many beautiful parks, museums, and I even road on buses, subways, and experienced what it felt like to go on air planes. I’ve missed my plane and cried every time I had to leave. I experienced love, heartbreak, and what it feels like to be surrounded by friends. I’ve gone to parties (never got drunk, not that type of guy) and I met so many wonderful people. I rode roller coasters with him for the first time and he cried on my shoulder when his life became stressed. I tried to learn to dance but I did learn how to kiss and speak a little espanol. I learned so many things that no one where I live will probably ever experience in their lifetime. I’ve been blessed but sometimes it’s hard to remember that.

Unfortunately, I suppose, all good things must come to an end and I don’t want them to. I’ve grown accustomed to believing that someone will always be there for me. I feel that because of myself, I caused this break-up as well as some other factors and.. it kills me. It kills me to know that nearly three years of time spent with someone is over. “Yeah, we’ll be friends and I’ll always be there for you,” doesn’t quite mean as much to me anymore because it means that I can’t have you. I’m not co-dependent. I don’t need to date 20 boys to feel satisfied, I’m still in love with him and i just can’t accept this but I know I need to let go. 

lolol I know most times when I explain a little of my situation to people, and by little, i do mean little, they like to play the criticize game where the advice is typical and it’s always the same. until you spend an actual 3 years living to talk to someone every single day - NOT 6 months, you just don’t understand the void that leaves behind. you. really. don’t. how horrible.