Siempre

so for the past couple of nights, I’ve been feeling incredibly horrible about myself and my future. I know that it’s a waste of time to retain such feelings day after day after day. It gets repetitive and people stop wanting to help because they feel it’s self inflicted after the first few times; maybe it is but the absence of hope doesn’t return over night. As an attempt to alleviate my congested feelings, I want to try to sort what I’m feeling and why I think I feel that way.

First of all, I feel an absence of hope and I know why I feel it but to put all of these feelings into words is more challenging than it looks. I feel isolated from the world - to say that I live in a rural area would be an understatement, in my opinion, and because of this, I think I miss out on a lot of things that normal teenagers get to do. fortunately, I have a family that’s bearable; however, It doesn’t make up for the fact that I have no friends, no fun, and all that’s on my mind is pessimistic or pensive thoughts of the future.

 I know enough that I’m not alone in these feelings; however, It doesn’t really stop there. I think about what the purpose of living is and if there is no happiness in one’s life - why would they continue to endure these feelings? Personally, I don’t know the future, and since I’ve managed to avoid drugs, stupidity, and inbreeding, I hopefully haven’t lost too many of my brain cells; this being said, maybe in the future, I’ll have a chance to fix the problems that years of stupid, ignorant ass white people have created.

In my head, I have an image of being independent with a spouse and a beautiful house. I want complete independence but more than that, I want culture and a sense of patriotism. I want to be proud of the country, region/province, and zip code that I share with people. In this country, state, or town, I don’t believe that I’ll ever honestly have that because the people here are just as cold as I am but more specifically they’re unaware of their ignorance, discrimination, and horrible habits. I’m aware of mine - my cynical attitude; loss of hope; and everywhere i go, I see the same thing with different, ugly faces. I expect the worst.

The isolation, discrimination, white-trash society of which I’ve unwillingly grown accustom to is repulsive and depicts an unchanging state of horrendous disgust and disrespect toward everything. I’m looking for a pick-me up - something that will undo everything that I can’t let go of. I once read a book that depicted neurosis as a state of which one is at war with oneself; even though this. I hope, doesn’t apply to myself directly, it does conger some old feelings that refuse to fade.

In a never-ending bullshit argument with myself, I seem to tug and pull back and forth at the aspect of what to live for, the reasons of which we’re here, and the thoughts of suicide I’m consumed by disgust and hate for the people I grew-up with and what they did to me. I believe that one day, I will have something worth living for, but for the moment, I don’t believe that helps me now. It doesn’t give me motivation toward life or making friends. I wish I could meet my subconsciousness and ask it how it feels and what I could do to alleviate it’s building frustration.

I saw something from a recent post that reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago. It honestly wasn’t until that point that I realized that everyone that I had ever been friends with was probably a piece of shit and it’s one reason why i’m so cynical toward people. I may not be like that in tumblr, since i assume people on tumblr have no reason to be pieces of shit, but that’s just how I feel. 

I used to think, “sure, people hate me because I’m not heterosexual, but i have people that support me, regardless.” this is probably one of the most incorrect statements - seriously. the people that hate me, stereotype me, and make the “gay jokes” are the same people that I went to school with all my life that tolerated me. take note that I said TOLERANCE not ACCEPTANCE because there’s a fucking difference. when you talk to the people that tolerate you, it isn’t obvious. you think they’re your friend, they ‘accept’ you, and yeah, maybe their friends, family, and acquaintances have shitty views, but they don’t, right? I mean, they did talk to me and was never rude - even some times defending me. 

I remember I hated my school, so I laid my head down quite a bit. I had a few people in class that didn’t think I was complete shit and tolerated me. I thought some of them were actually my friend until one day, a new student asked someone why everyone in the school hated me. this basically commenced a small discussion on discriminatory bullshit and for some reason, it hurt my feelings a little. those people that were my friends laughed, added to the bullshit, and seriously gave less fucks than i do in a year. you can’t imagine the epiphany I had in that 2 minutes than i did that whole year. 

when you realize that people are capable of having pointless hate toward you and even your “friends” have that same, disgusting quality just better disguised - it changes everything. the whole naive, ignorant scenario ceases to exist and I learned more that second about people than I probably ever have. People that hate a certain group but like one member of it place them in a seperate category. “You’re the exception, a credit to your type.” people will use you as that “one gay friend” that they know that’s cool - but still gay and disgusting. It’s okay though because they’re used to it, they won’t mind if their boyfriend, friends, or relatives say the most horrible shit about them.

the gist of this story is that I fucking hate people and my experiences of them, i feel, will never be outweighed by any sort of goodness from a single or group of people. Religion, kindness, or even god himself won’t change the fact that people are just shit sometimes, and you can’t lie to yourself forever. 

being the nostalgic person that I am, I should really be proud of everything I’ve gone through and dealt with in my life. I have gone through the hell of bullying since I was in first grade and I’ve felt what it’s like to be alone and friendless for most of my life. I’ve been bullied by teachers and at one point, I moved schools for briefly one year and met some of the most incredible teaching staff.

It became so bad for me at one point that I was at a severe breaking point in my life, my old school was just too much (i.e. west pines) and I seriously couldn’t do it anymore. I convinced my mother to allow me to live with my grandmother and convinced a school that was near to take me. I walked a bit to get to my bus, which we typically aren’t allowed to do here, and during my first class, the teachers were all afraid of me because kids at the old school told everyone that I made HITS LISTS?! can you believe that? hit lists on teachers. LOOOL it happened but wasn’t me. it was another crazy student that wanted to have gay sex with me but that’s another story that was completely awkward and no, for future reference, that boy couldn’t touch my dick with a yard stick js. 

After I realized what the fuck was happening, I told the staff that it wasn’t me and after I explained where I had came from and what I dealt with, they realized the mistake they made. my home room teacher told my class that If she heard anyone say a negative word about me ever that she would personally send them to the hateful ass principal. I never found out till the end of the year, but I had never, ever thought teachers enjoyed their jobs or wanted to help. I talked to my homeroom about why I cut myself - a stupid part in my life - and she helped me so much. It really, really, really meant a lot to me and braced me for what was going to happen in my high school when the racist, homophobic people realized that I was gay. lol, did those people get the surprise of their life when they saw my pretty ass. just saying.

I used to talk to a very beautiful teacher, she was in the lower grades, she always stressed how important it was for her to look decent. she never went to work without full makeup, nice clothes, curled hair, and I think even false lashes. she was gorgeous. I was being bullied by a very rude assistant teacher and I really wanted to fix things with her. she thought that I was gothic and a previous student of the assistant teacher killed his sister and himself. she assumed that I was of the same type as that boy was and i wasn’t. The lower grade teacher told me to take a note to her and personally apologize for offending her. 

I had planned to leave the note on her door but she was there and so, I gave it to her personally. I was too speechless to say anything, I don’t know why. I wasn’t as rude or blunt as I am now but let me tell you, she looked at me without hesitation and let me know how disgusting and horrid I was to her. She told me that she didn’t care and that there’s nothing I could do because she was utterly disgusted by me, quite frankly. I don’t know why this hurt me so badly but it blew a whole range of emotions up and I remember clenching my jaw and telling her okay. I left, walked to my teachers room to tell her it didn’t work and what she said to me, and I cried in front of a bunch of 2nd graders.

I do NOT do that ever, I never let the pricks at my old school ever see that and I still don’t know why it hurt me so badly. I just know that she told me that it would be okay and that she’d personally talk to her about it. I didn’t know about the assitants pervious students killing themselves until that moment. it was a detail that she wanted to leave out and i realized why I was so disgusting to her. I wore all black, metal, makeup, and I intimidated people. yeah, i know, me intimidating people. LOL it’d be a joke now but I suppose it was true back then. idk.

I still don’t know what my teacher said to her but the next day, she personally apologized and told me that she was completely wrong and that people can’t just cry on the spot like I did to gain sympathy. the damage had already been done but it was really the first time an adult ever apologized to me for doing something to me that was awful. I’ve had many much worse stories but this one had sentimental value to me and it’s still sort of embracing to know there’s still some good in people. I made a few friends, found myself a little more, and I had adults for the first time embrace me as a person. It gave me the courage to do what I wanted to and that’s one of the reasons why on my first day of high school, I wore full-on makeup even though I knew there would be much worse people than my middle school had.

I had people turn their backs on me, 99.9%, at least did. I was an outcast and I didn’t give any fucks tbh. I still hate those people with all of my heart and every time I see anything like the carhartt that rick perry wore in his shitty Strong video, I cringe and I’m filled with hate but that’s okay. I’m better than them anyway.

during my last summer vacation with my ex, we each bought a fat, stuffed penguin and I named them both. His is named MR. PINGU and mine is called MR. PENGUIN. we both sleep with them and penguins, therefore, have a special sentimental value to me. 

I just remembered when I was little, my grandmother would make me talk her to sleep. omg, i must’ve been boring as shit but regardless, i used to tell her I wanted a batman planeeee hahahahah and that way, i could go everywhere and I really thought it could happen. I ruined so many umbrellas trying to fly around like the penguin and i took my cape EVERYWHERE with me. 

My West Pines experience was my old elementary school. I transferred there after my first grade in Baileyton Elementary. tbh West Pines sounds like a fucking nursing home or some kind of prison that people refer to as, “the Rock.” Anyway, it was probably the worst and most eye-awakening experience of my life. I remember in fourth grade, I was best friends with two girls because the class was split into two gender based groups with stereotypical standards. The boys liked boy-ish ridiculous things like drawing cars and dick and the girls only talked about each other and who likes who.

I didn’t fit into either category, so naturally, I was an outcast. This typically isn’t a big deal unless you’re in a small elem. school of a class less than 25 kids and then, you begin to realize how fucked you really are. So I chose to be with the two girls of the class that made fun of everyone else, except they made fun of me too. I remember that once, the trashy blonde girl went so far as to tell the entire school’s boys that I’d really, really like to fuck them and at the time, i knew what was happening but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. There just isn’t anything you can do when no one is on your side, everyone knows that feeling.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt and hoped that no one took her seriously; they did. I know that two girls came into the classroom giving the substitute teacher a newspaper and they turned to me, in front of the entire class, and asked me if I was gay. I wasn’t, I didn’t think of that stuff at the time, and if I was, I would’ve been too afraid to say so anyway. I told them no, no I wasn’t and I knew how it happened. It was devastating. It’s kind of funny to think about now because the substitute laughed, and well, so did everyone else. I know the girl who said that realized what she had done but I’m sure her regret was short-lived, just like her empathy.

This never really ended, the people talking about you to their friends, their suspicions on why you’re different, and how they can use you as a ladder to become more ‘cool’ to their friends. I know that I cried to my mother more than once to allow me to change schools; I told her I didn’t have any other choice. I couldn’t explain to her why I needed to change, how the other kids made fun of me to a point of no return, how my ‘friends’ used me to make themselves feel better, and how my self-esteem was so low that I actually self-mutilated myself, another term for cutting, of which I thought would actually make me feel better in the long run – somehow. I experienced so many hurtful, horrible things in West pines that no one remembers, but I do and I won’t ever forget most of it. I hope no one ever deals with small-minded, inbred assholes like I did throughout my elementary experience.

I’ll continue with more stories from elementary school and high school later.

During my freshmen year, about the second week in, I had a girl talk to me about how she knew a guy that liked me and that’s a big deal, you know, having someone actually like you. I mean, imagine being in a place where you’re always disliked and no one really wants to be associated with you, and BAM, suddenly someone wants to meet you? it was quite a shock and it was typical for people to fuck with me, so I didn’t take it seriously.

Well I got notes from him, we talked, and it seemed authentic; except that people started to make fun of him and he stopped talking to me. he stopped walking with me and started giving me notes and during one phone call he told me he liked a girl and he wanted to date both of us and that was disgusting to me. i told him to choose and he said he picked her. Well I didn’t take this well, cried a bit, and WEEKS later after I moved on, I heard the girl he picked over me make fun of him and she told the entire bus that she made it so that he had to break up with her by switching all the arguments around on him.

to know that he got what he really deserved didn’t make me feel any better and it was one of those times that it really taught me a lesson of not getting your hopes up. when someone likes you, don’t create expectations and don’t hang on to ideas. a year later he apologized and wanted me to visit him and I told him to go to hell a few times.

During my bus ride my freshmen year, I met a curled haired ginger that was the biggest cunt that I’ve ever met. she was probably the definition of obnoxious and I swear she never brushed her hair and she was just an angry as fuck person. always looking to argue and being my very hot-ass, gay self in a small bus, she noticed me.

So she asked, “Are you wearing makeup? Is it your moms,” and I replied, “no, my mom’s butch and i buy my own.” she thought this was the coolest thing in the world, somehow, and told me that regardless of what everyone else will think, she likes it. obviously, at the time, i didn’t realize that she was hinting that my first year of school was going to fucking suck nigger dick (which isnt a bad thing but it is for most people).

Nevertheless, I remember a lot of people staring at me. Everyone wore camouflage, carrharts, and rugged outdoor boots. now, not stereotyping, but we all know that most people that wear this type of clothing is stupid. Rick perry is my prime example in this; however, at the time, i didn’t realize how fucked I really was. I stopped people in the hallways, I had people tell me about how upset some of their friends were, and to this day, i still don’t get why a boy wearing makeup is so mind-blowing.  I’m really going to make a commitment of never turning my internet off or I may walk into a Lady Gaga without realizing and scream from the horror. not really, i’m not stupid or Christian.

By the way guys, an update on my mother, she’s lesbian now. I find it so funny that we’re both gay. 

I’m sure all of you realize by now, i’m very much so gay. I love le dick and my freshmen year, i wore tons of makeup; gave no fuck. I have a hundred stories of which i’m going to share over the next few weeks.

My first math teacher was a lesbian that hated her job and life. she was quitting at the end of the year because her work environment wasn’t gay friend, which implies that mine wasn’t either. she obviously gave no fuck toward what was going to happen to me and she made it clear. The moment I walked in, a large fattie asked if I knew that eyeshadow had somehow made it to my face and I realized that I was walking straight into a hillbilly hell that not even kentucky had shit on.

in these type of situations, its really best to ignore people no matter how difficult it may be. later that year, the fat boy wanted to ‘attack’ me and for no better reason than because i was prettier but he couldn’t make it through the desks fast enough and he was sent out of the room. now, i’m guessing, if i was going to break someone’s leg, I wouldn’t stop just because a teacher said, “please leave,” especially a gay one. loool

good job trying to look badass, fatso. I heard you started doing drugs and lost the 300 pounds.  

my freshmen year, there was a guy who offered a free bj and so, i declined in a respectful manner; however, this guy didn’t take no for an answer. he continuously bothered me. ‘er, I shouldn’t say bothered ‘cause it was hilarious. nudes, pics 4 dick, anything you can think of, he was down. so I casually slipped word to my friend of all these instances and you know, word travels faster in a small school than most people realize.

I had more texts that upcoming morning than i’ve ever had in my life. apparently my friend had a friend of a friend who had MANY friends. I told him I didn’t know who spread the word of his free blows but he didn’t seem to mind too much. I’ve yet to stop laughing about this and i’m a senior.